I Can Feel Me Living

I have always expected myself to die young. Ever since I was a kid, I assumed that I would never live a full life, and I believe it all stems from not having a foreseeable future. I've never really had a "career", but rather just odd jobs to get by, perhaps a sign that I should enjoy myself while I can and that a career is unnecessary for anyone exiting their physical being. I've also been fruitless in love, maybe so that I never have to break the heart of my companion in my passing. All of these comments can be easily argued, as everyone has their own experiences from which they take their life lessons.

We lead tragic lives as a whole, tormented with our own pains, whether it be a passing parent, a love lost, a missed opportunity, or simply a personal flaw we beg to change. We often look to accept these pains and deal with them, understanding we can't change the past, maybe never being able to sing, or popping Ibuprofin every morning to be able to walk into work. In fact, sometimes we get so used to the pain that we forget what it was like when there was no pain at all; we felt good, life was good, things were simple.

I noticed this while on a delivery for work last night. I felt numb, my arms and legs didn't feel heavy and worn out as they normally do, but rather relaxed and at ease, my car caressing the road as if I was on a cloud drifting across the horizon, the radio at just the right volume, and my singing was spot on, hitting every note with ease. This is when I realized something was terribly wrong, and I started to panic, almost losing control of my vehicle. Where was all my pain? Why am I no longer fatigued? I KNOW I don't sound like Freddie Mercury. What the hell is wrong with me?

Upon my awareness the pain came flooding back, so it seems that my mind was so occupied with other things that I didn't notice all the other annoyances in my life. I tend to think this is how accidents happen, you enter a state of complete comfort and unknowingly let your guard down, leaving you susceptible to harm. It's almost as if your body completely turns off it's senses.

Furthermore, and perhaps a more frightening thought is that I started to panic when the pain went AWAY. Have a really gotten to a point in my life where pain is the norm, and comfort is a foreign emotion? Upon further analyzing, I have concluded that this "pain" is caused from unnecessary stresses over a variety of topics out of my control. It has always been my opinion that stress brings you closer to death, maybe this is why I've always thought I would die young. I need to relax.

Christmas is coming, friends will be around, I will be home and looking forward to a relaxing vacation.